Why Do I Try?
I’m not sure where my motivation comes from.
When I was younger, my parents taught to me value learning, but oddly enough, they never pushed me through school. Most of my learning came from leafing my way through books and just exploring the great outdoors. I had no helicopter dad looking over my shoulder, no mom checking to make sure I finished all my homework—they pretty much broke every rule in Asian Parenting 101. They rarely forced me into anything I didn’t want to do, which meant they didn’t drill a rock-solid work ethic into me either. But from them, I learned about something more valuable than hard work—myself. My parents gave me the freedom to discover the things I loved (reading, Pokémon, and NOT piano), what was important to me (eating and reading, probably), and a small part of who I was.
Something else my parents did was enroll me in a tiny, private middle school with no more than 30 students per grade. I think that was probably a lifesaving decision, because I’m pretty sure all my work ethic and most of my motivation came from that place. I entered as a student who would sit in the back of the room while math class went on, immersed in whichever Percy Jackson chapter I was on, and quickly discovered I suddenly couldn’t not pay attention in class and still get good grades (and have my teachers like me). My 5th-grade teacher, who taught my “gifted” class, had told me that middle school would be a breeze after surviving his workload, but 6th grade made his class look easy. Needless to say, my work ethic skyrocketed.
Being in those tiny classes surrounded by engaged, motivated students set a standard for me. I began holding myself accountable to those same expectations and found myself developing a similar mindset. I learned to care about school and get involved in new opportunities. My friends and I participated in engineering challenges, signed up for fun chemistry camps, and suffered through experienced the joys of swim team together. Those years molded me into someone driven by an intrinsic motivation to participate in things and do well in them.
I brought that passion with me to high school, but quickly found my eagerness tainted by stress and the pressure to succeed. I began to focus on the idea of accomplishment and eventually realized that many of my decisions had become driven by fear. Sure, I was sailing through my classes, but my studying wasn’t motivated by excitement to learn anymore; I was completing assignments out of the fear of failing my classes. And sure, I was involved in a lot of opportunities, but some of them I remained in because I was afraid of not doing “enough.” Chasing “success” became a disguise for running from failure, and I found myself frequently exhausted and wondering why I was doing the things I was.
This question has only become more bewildering among the burnout that defines junior year, but I think I might’ve found a small part of the answer when I came across the idea of values. Just this weekend, I had to identify 5 priorities from a list of 200 for a UIUC leadership course that I’m taking. It took a few hours and a couple of Google searches (what is “adroitness?”), but I came up with a decent list:
Authenticity, since it’s important to live by what’s important to me.
Courage, to help me do a little more exploring and a little less playing it safe.
Consistency, because intentions are empty without actions to back them up.
Love, so that I can be a better friend and family member.
Health, since I found out the hard way that not sleeping wreaks all my plans.
You do a good job of keeping an informal tone throughout your essay, especially towards the latter half. In this essay, you talk about the generally serious topic of schoolwork and productivity, but the small interjections and notes of humor you chose to include lighten the mood well. I think you could phrase some sentences better, specifically in paragraph 2, but otherwise, great essay!
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